Alright, are you ready to read an article in response to your article? 😄
Sorry, but I simply can’t do it any other way. I also love talking about existence. And I keep trying to understand why we all decided to drag ourselves into a physical incarnation in the first place. :)
Cian, I’m not sharing criticism here. I’m not trying to teach you anything. This is just an observation that appeared while I was reading your text. I felt that two very different forces are operating inside you at the same time. And they seem to be pulling in opposite directions.
In your previous writings, there was a very human and grounded search. You explored meaning, relationships, material clarity, emotional stability, and a sense of place in the world. This is a search within form, within the human experience. But in your latest piece, the direction shifts. Now you write about full dissolution, the disappearance of the “self,” the collapse of the observer, and a return into pure transparent consciousness.
Here a very interesting inner conflict appears. It feels like you are searching for a kind of philosopher’s stone of your own being. But you are trying to find it in a world where it simply cannot exist. Everything you describe as a “final state” belongs to a non-material, post-physical dimension. It is an energy that appears when the body no longer holds the density of this world. But you are trying to turn this into a daily state while still being embodied.
While we live in the physical world, we cannot turn into pure transparent energy without ego, without boundaries, and without identity. Even when consciousness expands and touches unity, the body remains a body. This is why I love the metaphor of the stone. You can teach a stone to levitate, to pass through walls, to change its vibration, and to respond to energetic fields. But it still remains a stone. Its quality changes, but its form does not disappear.
The same is true for human beings. We can access non-dual states. We can experience the absence of “I.” We can move between different densities of energy. But all of this happens within our form, not instead of it. Full disappearance of form is possible only when the body is no longer alive.
Because of this, your text gave me the feeling of a paradox. You describe states that belong to a non-physical realm. But at the same time, you try to map them onto physical, embodied life. It becomes a kind of existential Schrodinger’s cat. You want to exist and not exist at the same time. Consciousness wants to move into the absolute. The body wants to stay grounded in material density. These two movements do not overlap.
From the perspective of the soul, dissolution is not the purpose of incarnation. Dissolution is a consequence of expansion, not the endpoint. The purpose is to learn harmony with the material plane. To feel. To experience. To manifest. To vibrate through form without trying to eliminate it. This is why the stone metaphor works so well. The point is not to become gas or air. The point is to be a stone that can levitate and pass through walls while still remaining a stone.
This is the mastery of incarnation: not dissolving the form, but vibrating through it so freely that form becomes a conduit rather than a cage.
And please forgive me if any of this sounds like criticism. 😄
It truly isn’t. I’m going through all of this myself. Sometimes I don’t even want to think about these things, because they create a conflict inside me too. Meditation can amplify this. After deep states I sometimes don’t want to return to physical reality at all. I want to stay in that quiet, endless place where nothing hurts and nothing is heavy. But I also know that this is a gentle utopia. A soft escape. Not from the world, but from the task of being alive.
This is exactly why I’ve been going to a psychologist for three years now 😄
These inner contradictions become so strong that I had to learn how to hold both worlds without collapsing into either one.
And please don’t go doing anything extreme in the name of “further dissolution.” 😄
The world still needs your body here. Especially if your task is to help others vibrate at a higher, clearer frequency. I have a feeling the Universe kept you in physical form precisely for that reason. Not to reject matter, but to transform it.
Nataliia, this is beautiful. And you're right - there IS a paradox here. But not the one you're identifying. Your stone metaphor is perfect. But let me take it further: What if the stone discovers it was never solid? Not "becomes gas" - but recognizes that even while appearing solid, its fundamental nature was always empty space between electrons? The stone continues being stone. It just stops being convinced it's solid. This is the difference between:
Spiritual bypassing: "I'm going to float away into emptiness and avoid my human mess" ← This is escape
Embodied emptiness: "Holy shit, there's no solid self here, never was, and somehow life is functioning perfectly fine without one" ← This is awakening
You write that I'm trying to "exist and not exist at the same time." YES. Exactly. That's not a bug - that's the entire teaching. Form is emptiness. Emptiness is form. Not sequentially. Simultaneously. I'm not describing post-death states. I'm describing the coffee cup in my hand right now. The person who picked it up? Nowhere to be found. The picking up? Happened perfectly. The Zen tradition has a whole methodology for this - Mondo Zen literally trains practitioners to bring "Clear Deep Heart-Mind" into daily life. Into relationships. Into conflict. Into the marketplace. The Heart Sutra doesn't say "form BECOMES emptiness after you die." It says form IS emptiness, right now, while you're reading this. Your concern about me "doing anything extreme" is touching and fair. But here's the thing: the dissolution I'm describing isn't dangerous. It's what happens when you finally stop running from the truth that there was never anyone there to be in danger. The world needs bodies, yes. But it doesn't need those bodies to be convinced they're separate selves in order to function. - Cian
Cian, thank you for your answer, it brings a little bit more understanding, but still have some opposition, that I am trying to realize and understand. I want to begin by sharing a little bit of my own story, because it feels relevant here. I also had moments when I suddenly felt that I was not a stone at all, but something much bigger and more subtle. Something beyond form. And those realizations opened a lot for me, but they also left me with questions. What is happening in my reality now is layered and not always easy to understand. I am still learning what stands behind these experiences, and that is why your message touched me and why I wanted to respond from the place where I am now.
And before anything else, I want to say that I understand your philosophical position. I understand the quantum perspective you are speaking from. On that level, form and emptiness appear at the same time, and the stone was never truly solid. It only looks solid from inside this dimension.
At the same time, we live in a physical world, and we are here for a reason. If the stone were actually gas, it would simply move into another plane of existence. This is why I feel that my path is not about dissolving into gas. It is about understanding how the stone can act like a transformer. Solid in one state. Pure energy in another. Able to shift between these modes without rejecting either one.
For me, this feels closer to the real philosopher’s stone. It is the ability to hold both realities at the same time. Because the past shapes the present, and the present creates the future. Everything is connected. And form still matters, even if it is not ultimately what it seems.
I hear your explanation, and it makes sense within the framework you use. But my experience unfolds differently. It is shaped by responsibilities, by embodiment, and by the structure of my life. I have noticed that people who live a nomadic lifestyle often relate to reality in a lighter way. Their identity shifts more easily. They carry less weight from the physical world. I was closer to that before I became a mother. Before I became responsible for another person. Before I gathered all the commitments that are now part of my path.
Back then, awakening felt simple. I truly believed that transformation was mostly a matter of choice. Life corrected that view. Awakening within density, within responsibility, and within real emotional weight is a much more complex process. It has a different rhythm and different consequences.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about purpose and what spirituality is supposed to offer in practical terms. I keep feeling the same thing. Spirituality is not meant to replace responsibility. It is meant to support stability, clarity, and grounded action. Otherwise it becomes a way to avoid life instead of working with it. I see this often now. People use spiritual language to bypass the parts of reality that challenge them. But that does not feel aligned with why we are here.
Challenges shape us. They push us to adjust and grow. They help us understand the material side of our existence. And for me, growth feels real only when it includes the body and the responsibilities of life.
When I read your words, I understand them intellectually. But I do not yet know how to integrate that recognition into my daily reality. I do not yet know how to bring the emptiness you describe into the structure of my life. I also realized that every time I approach deeper practices, especially tantric ones, the physical dimension of my life intensifies. It has happened several times. It makes me think that I need guidance that matches the complexity of my path.
I worked with a teacher before. But his approach did not fit my actual experience. His model of awakening did not include the many factors that appear in my life. I kept finding places where his theory could not hold. The “what if” moments. The practical details that did not match the framework. So I feel that I need a different kind of guidance now. Something that includes embodiment, responsibility, and the material aspects of life.
This is why I want to ask for your advice. If you have suggestions on what to read or what to practice, I would appreciate it. I am learning how to be balanced and awake inside real life. I am learning how to feel who I am at each stage of my development. Whether I am the stone or the energy. And how to eventually share this understanding with others in a grounded, practical way.
So yes, our realities are different. Not opposing each other. Simply shaped by different lives. I am learning how to move through mine while staying open to the perspective you describe.
Wow, Natalia, I absolutely love your profouund depth of sight here, I see your states of consciousness soooo deeply via your profound expression.
You've certainly seen as well that Cian's been writing from different states, and while its okay to play here, I pray his Priest training will help keep him grounded 🤣.
Personally, I feel like he's playing and whilst its fun, its equally dangerous (the d word is what my ego chose atm 🤣), because this can certainly become a trap for something else in “formation” and it is only “this” formation that can lure us into believing we have control of the game itself.
Re this piece of your comment about Consciousness, which I'm quoting:
“Consciousness wants to move into the absolute. The body wants to stay grounded in material density. These two movements do not overlap” ~ N
These won't overlap if there is ANY formation of anything, desire.
Via my personal path,
Because “we are Consciousness” here to experience and express itself/ourselves“ via its/our sacred vessel/body” which “it” created so that it can do this in ALL of its forms of infinite possibilities…
The two can certainly overlap in harmonious coherence during certain experiences and states (we need to train, reprogram from the levels of Causation etc so deeply here, depth thats NOT yet written about for very good reasons) in order to experience these depths of true harmony/coherence.
For ex, When we dissolve a deeply rooted karmic pain-body imprint with all of its interconnected and interpenetrated ego program, something magical happens here, because at each merge we can experience it experientially (in BOTH physical & mental & any “elemental” energetic shape that it takes) for ex. During these times I dance as i channel, other times I become STILL, fully present, other times I dance, journal the downloads and allow myself to remain “grounded” in BEING because my depth of connectedness is like a diety with multiple arms via “pure awareness”, i can move, channel, write, and use my breath, to remain as an element (saying this humbly because I'm STILL DEEPLY PRACTICING as its taking YEARS to master)…
My heart attacks, strokes & my body being wired to a “stress response” is what would eventually force me into these deeper depths, because up until 5 yrs ago, for 9 solid years I channeled 24/7 … role of a conduit that didn't sleep/barely and there literally was NO NEED TO, I was functioning energetically from such high states… before my surgery (THE SURGEONS & the attending PHYSICIAN ASKED ME quietly) to help them by “talking to my body and doing what I do spiritually” (THEIR WORDS) so that my body would listen, and respond to their help/treatment etc.
I was so far outside my body dancing in dimensions gathering data, extracting its wisdom, opening portals and anchoring its frequencies in this dimension 🤣 I was only able to fully return to body AFTER MY SURGERY & I WILL NEVER FORGET THE PHYSICAL PAIN, my back & spine felt like it was going to explode 🤯 eventhough I was on the heaviest of painkillers…from heart surgery 🤣..
I'm sharing all these examples to help you see 👀 why I'm saying the above.
YES, you are right about after a certain point of wholeness the body WILL die because it simply does NOT have the physical capacity IT NEEDS in order to contain certain levels of frequencies I agree… my body been moving via “knocking on heavens door” daily, and YES, I HAD TO STOP DAILY MEDITATION because with my heart condition BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO rewire certain MAJOR parts of my Nervous System… I discovered my body DID NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE between Joy & Sadness, or Bliss & Stress 😱 etc… because NO MATTER WHAT I FELT, my heart and every cell in my entire body WAS RECORDING IT “AS TENSION/STRESS”…
YET, there were times when my body was invincible and I did things better than when I was 16 🤣.. I was between 40 - 46 then… and for 9 yrs, off ALL HEART & EVERY MEDICATION 💊 I Was ever on in prior…
Fast forward to the Now, I am finally fully here now 🙌 🙏 ☺️ and my greatest challenge is learning HOW to show up from BEING more fully, consistently “no matter the situation or space” 🤣. It feels like every day I restart my efforts 🤣
Alright, are you ready to read an article in response to your article? 😄
Sorry, but I simply can’t do it any other way. I also love talking about existence. And I keep trying to understand why we all decided to drag ourselves into a physical incarnation in the first place. :)
Cian, I’m not sharing criticism here. I’m not trying to teach you anything. This is just an observation that appeared while I was reading your text. I felt that two very different forces are operating inside you at the same time. And they seem to be pulling in opposite directions.
In your previous writings, there was a very human and grounded search. You explored meaning, relationships, material clarity, emotional stability, and a sense of place in the world. This is a search within form, within the human experience. But in your latest piece, the direction shifts. Now you write about full dissolution, the disappearance of the “self,” the collapse of the observer, and a return into pure transparent consciousness.
Here a very interesting inner conflict appears. It feels like you are searching for a kind of philosopher’s stone of your own being. But you are trying to find it in a world where it simply cannot exist. Everything you describe as a “final state” belongs to a non-material, post-physical dimension. It is an energy that appears when the body no longer holds the density of this world. But you are trying to turn this into a daily state while still being embodied.
While we live in the physical world, we cannot turn into pure transparent energy without ego, without boundaries, and without identity. Even when consciousness expands and touches unity, the body remains a body. This is why I love the metaphor of the stone. You can teach a stone to levitate, to pass through walls, to change its vibration, and to respond to energetic fields. But it still remains a stone. Its quality changes, but its form does not disappear.
The same is true for human beings. We can access non-dual states. We can experience the absence of “I.” We can move between different densities of energy. But all of this happens within our form, not instead of it. Full disappearance of form is possible only when the body is no longer alive.
Because of this, your text gave me the feeling of a paradox. You describe states that belong to a non-physical realm. But at the same time, you try to map them onto physical, embodied life. It becomes a kind of existential Schrodinger’s cat. You want to exist and not exist at the same time. Consciousness wants to move into the absolute. The body wants to stay grounded in material density. These two movements do not overlap.
From the perspective of the soul, dissolution is not the purpose of incarnation. Dissolution is a consequence of expansion, not the endpoint. The purpose is to learn harmony with the material plane. To feel. To experience. To manifest. To vibrate through form without trying to eliminate it. This is why the stone metaphor works so well. The point is not to become gas or air. The point is to be a stone that can levitate and pass through walls while still remaining a stone.
This is the mastery of incarnation: not dissolving the form, but vibrating through it so freely that form becomes a conduit rather than a cage.
And please forgive me if any of this sounds like criticism. 😄
It truly isn’t. I’m going through all of this myself. Sometimes I don’t even want to think about these things, because they create a conflict inside me too. Meditation can amplify this. After deep states I sometimes don’t want to return to physical reality at all. I want to stay in that quiet, endless place where nothing hurts and nothing is heavy. But I also know that this is a gentle utopia. A soft escape. Not from the world, but from the task of being alive.
This is exactly why I’ve been going to a psychologist for three years now 😄
These inner contradictions become so strong that I had to learn how to hold both worlds without collapsing into either one.
And please don’t go doing anything extreme in the name of “further dissolution.” 😄
The world still needs your body here. Especially if your task is to help others vibrate at a higher, clearer frequency. I have a feeling the Universe kept you in physical form precisely for that reason. Not to reject matter, but to transform it.
Nataliia, this is beautiful. And you're right - there IS a paradox here. But not the one you're identifying. Your stone metaphor is perfect. But let me take it further: What if the stone discovers it was never solid? Not "becomes gas" - but recognizes that even while appearing solid, its fundamental nature was always empty space between electrons? The stone continues being stone. It just stops being convinced it's solid. This is the difference between:
Spiritual bypassing: "I'm going to float away into emptiness and avoid my human mess" ← This is escape
Embodied emptiness: "Holy shit, there's no solid self here, never was, and somehow life is functioning perfectly fine without one" ← This is awakening
You write that I'm trying to "exist and not exist at the same time." YES. Exactly. That's not a bug - that's the entire teaching. Form is emptiness. Emptiness is form. Not sequentially. Simultaneously. I'm not describing post-death states. I'm describing the coffee cup in my hand right now. The person who picked it up? Nowhere to be found. The picking up? Happened perfectly. The Zen tradition has a whole methodology for this - Mondo Zen literally trains practitioners to bring "Clear Deep Heart-Mind" into daily life. Into relationships. Into conflict. Into the marketplace. The Heart Sutra doesn't say "form BECOMES emptiness after you die." It says form IS emptiness, right now, while you're reading this. Your concern about me "doing anything extreme" is touching and fair. But here's the thing: the dissolution I'm describing isn't dangerous. It's what happens when you finally stop running from the truth that there was never anyone there to be in danger. The world needs bodies, yes. But it doesn't need those bodies to be convinced they're separate selves in order to function. - Cian
Cian, thank you for your answer, it brings a little bit more understanding, but still have some opposition, that I am trying to realize and understand. I want to begin by sharing a little bit of my own story, because it feels relevant here. I also had moments when I suddenly felt that I was not a stone at all, but something much bigger and more subtle. Something beyond form. And those realizations opened a lot for me, but they also left me with questions. What is happening in my reality now is layered and not always easy to understand. I am still learning what stands behind these experiences, and that is why your message touched me and why I wanted to respond from the place where I am now.
And before anything else, I want to say that I understand your philosophical position. I understand the quantum perspective you are speaking from. On that level, form and emptiness appear at the same time, and the stone was never truly solid. It only looks solid from inside this dimension.
At the same time, we live in a physical world, and we are here for a reason. If the stone were actually gas, it would simply move into another plane of existence. This is why I feel that my path is not about dissolving into gas. It is about understanding how the stone can act like a transformer. Solid in one state. Pure energy in another. Able to shift between these modes without rejecting either one.
For me, this feels closer to the real philosopher’s stone. It is the ability to hold both realities at the same time. Because the past shapes the present, and the present creates the future. Everything is connected. And form still matters, even if it is not ultimately what it seems.
I hear your explanation, and it makes sense within the framework you use. But my experience unfolds differently. It is shaped by responsibilities, by embodiment, and by the structure of my life. I have noticed that people who live a nomadic lifestyle often relate to reality in a lighter way. Their identity shifts more easily. They carry less weight from the physical world. I was closer to that before I became a mother. Before I became responsible for another person. Before I gathered all the commitments that are now part of my path.
Back then, awakening felt simple. I truly believed that transformation was mostly a matter of choice. Life corrected that view. Awakening within density, within responsibility, and within real emotional weight is a much more complex process. It has a different rhythm and different consequences.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about purpose and what spirituality is supposed to offer in practical terms. I keep feeling the same thing. Spirituality is not meant to replace responsibility. It is meant to support stability, clarity, and grounded action. Otherwise it becomes a way to avoid life instead of working with it. I see this often now. People use spiritual language to bypass the parts of reality that challenge them. But that does not feel aligned with why we are here.
Challenges shape us. They push us to adjust and grow. They help us understand the material side of our existence. And for me, growth feels real only when it includes the body and the responsibilities of life.
When I read your words, I understand them intellectually. But I do not yet know how to integrate that recognition into my daily reality. I do not yet know how to bring the emptiness you describe into the structure of my life. I also realized that every time I approach deeper practices, especially tantric ones, the physical dimension of my life intensifies. It has happened several times. It makes me think that I need guidance that matches the complexity of my path.
I worked with a teacher before. But his approach did not fit my actual experience. His model of awakening did not include the many factors that appear in my life. I kept finding places where his theory could not hold. The “what if” moments. The practical details that did not match the framework. So I feel that I need a different kind of guidance now. Something that includes embodiment, responsibility, and the material aspects of life.
This is why I want to ask for your advice. If you have suggestions on what to read or what to practice, I would appreciate it. I am learning how to be balanced and awake inside real life. I am learning how to feel who I am at each stage of my development. Whether I am the stone or the energy. And how to eventually share this understanding with others in a grounded, practical way.
So yes, our realities are different. Not opposing each other. Simply shaped by different lives. I am learning how to move through mine while staying open to the perspective you describe.
Honestly, sometimes I wish I could know less :)
Wow, Natalia, I absolutely love your profouund depth of sight here, I see your states of consciousness soooo deeply via your profound expression.
You've certainly seen as well that Cian's been writing from different states, and while its okay to play here, I pray his Priest training will help keep him grounded 🤣.
Personally, I feel like he's playing and whilst its fun, its equally dangerous (the d word is what my ego chose atm 🤣), because this can certainly become a trap for something else in “formation” and it is only “this” formation that can lure us into believing we have control of the game itself.
Re this piece of your comment about Consciousness, which I'm quoting:
“Consciousness wants to move into the absolute. The body wants to stay grounded in material density. These two movements do not overlap” ~ N
These won't overlap if there is ANY formation of anything, desire.
Via my personal path,
Because “we are Consciousness” here to experience and express itself/ourselves“ via its/our sacred vessel/body” which “it” created so that it can do this in ALL of its forms of infinite possibilities…
The two can certainly overlap in harmonious coherence during certain experiences and states (we need to train, reprogram from the levels of Causation etc so deeply here, depth thats NOT yet written about for very good reasons) in order to experience these depths of true harmony/coherence.
For ex, When we dissolve a deeply rooted karmic pain-body imprint with all of its interconnected and interpenetrated ego program, something magical happens here, because at each merge we can experience it experientially (in BOTH physical & mental & any “elemental” energetic shape that it takes) for ex. During these times I dance as i channel, other times I become STILL, fully present, other times I dance, journal the downloads and allow myself to remain “grounded” in BEING because my depth of connectedness is like a diety with multiple arms via “pure awareness”, i can move, channel, write, and use my breath, to remain as an element (saying this humbly because I'm STILL DEEPLY PRACTICING as its taking YEARS to master)…
My heart attacks, strokes & my body being wired to a “stress response” is what would eventually force me into these deeper depths, because up until 5 yrs ago, for 9 solid years I channeled 24/7 … role of a conduit that didn't sleep/barely and there literally was NO NEED TO, I was functioning energetically from such high states… before my surgery (THE SURGEONS & the attending PHYSICIAN ASKED ME quietly) to help them by “talking to my body and doing what I do spiritually” (THEIR WORDS) so that my body would listen, and respond to their help/treatment etc.
I was so far outside my body dancing in dimensions gathering data, extracting its wisdom, opening portals and anchoring its frequencies in this dimension 🤣 I was only able to fully return to body AFTER MY SURGERY & I WILL NEVER FORGET THE PHYSICAL PAIN, my back & spine felt like it was going to explode 🤯 eventhough I was on the heaviest of painkillers…from heart surgery 🤣..
I'm sharing all these examples to help you see 👀 why I'm saying the above.
YES, you are right about after a certain point of wholeness the body WILL die because it simply does NOT have the physical capacity IT NEEDS in order to contain certain levels of frequencies I agree… my body been moving via “knocking on heavens door” daily, and YES, I HAD TO STOP DAILY MEDITATION because with my heart condition BEFORE I WAS ABLE TO rewire certain MAJOR parts of my Nervous System… I discovered my body DID NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE between Joy & Sadness, or Bliss & Stress 😱 etc… because NO MATTER WHAT I FELT, my heart and every cell in my entire body WAS RECORDING IT “AS TENSION/STRESS”…
YET, there were times when my body was invincible and I did things better than when I was 16 🤣.. I was between 40 - 46 then… and for 9 yrs, off ALL HEART & EVERY MEDICATION 💊 I Was ever on in prior…
Fast forward to the Now, I am finally fully here now 🙌 🙏 ☺️ and my greatest challenge is learning HOW to show up from BEING more fully, consistently “no matter the situation or space” 🤣. It feels like every day I restart my efforts 🤣