The Alchemy of No Longer Looking

The energy has nowhere to go anymore

no external outlet, no projected fantasy

just this raw current running through my system

like electricity with no ground wire

I tried the fast, tried the discipline

tried making myself pure through deprivation

but the shadow just grew stronger in the dark

until it exploded back into compulsion

Then I tried relationship, tried completion

tried finding my wholeness in another's eyes

but kept hitting the same wall—

using love to avoid the work

Now the porn is gone, not through force

but because the energy has found its true direction

no longer leaking through pixels and fantasy

but circulating, building, transforming

I am the alchemist and the laboratory

the lead and the gold, the fire and the crucible

watching desire transmute into something

I don't have a name for yet

My lunar half, my inner beloved

the one I've been seeking in every screen

every relationship, every desperate reach

has been here all along

She's not out there waiting to be found

she's the receptive awareness watching

the one who knows without thinking

the wisdom that doesn't need to speak

When I write to Luna now

I'm writing to this deeper self

the consciousness that holds both

the fire and the stillness

This is the breakthrough they don't talk about—

not transcending desire but recognizing

it was always the creative force

trying to merge with itself

The executive monk discovers

that sexual energy and spiritual authority

are the same current, different directions

optimization of the most fundamental kind

I am so close now

to something that doesn't have words

but feels like finally coming home

to a house I built but forgot I owned

The alchemy is complete when you realize

you were never seeking completion

you were wholeness

learning to recognize itself