This is my story. And I’m going to have to go back a little bit; actually way back. I started off life rather poor. Even as the eldest child, I was wearing hand me downs.
We also moved around quite a lot. Growing up, it was rather difficult to find, groups of friends to engage with because I kept having to remake friends all the time.
As I grew more and more, just started noticing the way that kids picked on me quite a lot. I remember so clearly as I went from school to school or city to city that I always thought:
“Maybe this time, they won’t know… You know? Maybe this time something will be different. But no matter where I went there was, and they always knew somehow. “-Young Cian Kenshin being bullied (This is my story)
New identity or coping mechanism?
Eventually, I started to realize that this was all something to do with me…so I started to play with creating a new identity, I started to put on a bit of a suit and this started actually working really well.
I stopped getting bullied.
And, I ended up getting groups of friends, hanging out with people and, you know, learning to socialize with this identity.
Peaking? Or savagely faking it?
University and Business. I started my first business when I was 21 and here the suit keeps getting refined. It actually really made me quite successful. I had every opportunity and I took every opportunity. Every goal I set, I hit, I think by the time I was 27, I was making six figures and I had already started a few businesses.
- I was running a modelling agency
- Had a real estate portfolio
- Running a multi-million dollar stock market training company
- I was going to all sorts of parties, business functions
- And, I was actually drinking quite a lot
F*cked up success standards?
And you know, I thought it was having with the time of my life, by every measurement that had been taught by society of what is a success:
- Steak dinners
- Fancy car
- Fancy house
- Girls (so many….)
“I got my MBA paid for by my company”Masked-up Cian Kenshin peaking in society (My Story)
And, you know what? Still, something was missing every time I ticked that box. Every time I got there, every time I got that promotion, every time I got that new house…
Oh, what’s next?
For every Hill I climb, there was another Hill just out of reach. I captured momentary happiness, and then I’m like: Oh, now I’ll be happy when I get there…. Now I’ll be happy when I get there…..I started to see through the illusion just a little bit.
That’s when it all came to a real focus.
One day, I went to the doctor, and they told me I had obstructive sleep apnea (like..I could die any night), then I’m like:
“Oh, wow! How do I deal with that? Like, losing some weight?”
He was like: – “No, no, no, you’re not particularly overweight. So you just need to buy this machine. And you know, you just sleep with that for the rest of your life.”
I completely rejected his version of reality. In my head I was like “uh, no that’s not how this life is going to go”.
I was like 240 pounds; I don’t know if you can tell I lost a little bit of weight (now 180 pounds), (from seeing old vs new pictures of me on social media)
Live life like a dog on a leash? Or, do better?
I rejected that fully and completely. I actually bought the machine and I slept with it for a night. And I’m like; NO, that’s NOT, how this life is going.
So what did I do? Well, I had been meditating since I was a child, but not often. When I grew up, my parents were Buddhists, and when I was a teenager I kinda rejected that, like most teens. I just meditated when I needed to relieve some stress or needed to really like focus on something. It wasn’t a practice.
My meditation journey!
I remember, shortly after that episode with the doctor, I read a book called Rebel Buddha. It shifted things for me. I was like, yes, yes, this is what I need to do. I started meditating every day, 10 minutes a day.
And little by little, I just started to really see this kind of cycle of desire, that started to really come into focus. What else started to come out as I meditated? It was this identity that I had created, that I was holding in front of me, the suit.
Mental energy to maintain an identity
I realized how much mental energy I was using for this identity.
He (that Cian), he was a little different with different groups of people. I don’t know if any of you have experience with this, but he has a different personality with friends, co-workers and in his home and never shall the streams cross.
Yeah. So as a Manager, I started getting this insight of; Wow, I’m really spending a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to say, how I’m going to behave, how I’m going to act maintaining this same suit.
So, what happens if I drop it?
I dropped it and immediately I just stopped drinking.
I wasn’t even trying to stop, but I stopped going to all these business functions because a lot of the conversations now appeared to be just going around… And around… And, everyone is just talking about themselves and nothing’s really happening.
I started to change and really dove into meditation. I have to just give thanks to my teacher, Darlene. She’s been a blessing in, uh, guiding me on this journey. What I found out is; this is the important part, this is beyond this cycle of desire and attainment… That I stepped out of. That real happiness started to come just from being instead of pursuing. This dropping of this identity and tearing off of this suit, freed up so much mental energy, freed up so much space.
There’s room now! Thank you
Now there’s room for creativity, there’s room for presence, spontaneity. So, no longer are things being manufactured. I’m no longer thinking about; what am I? What am I going to try and get from this person that I’m meeting? You know… What’s my agenda? Now I just go and discover what IS, instead of trying to make something of it.
I’m just going to show up and see what happens, you know, and that seems to be where life happens. So, if any of you are struggling with this affliction, I have to say give mediation training a shot.